Is it bad when you can feel yourself losing your mind?
Tonight was absolute insanity at work. It was just UFC Fight Night, which is not as big as.. say.. the Super Bowl or the final bowl games for college basketball or for the final four during, well, all of March Madness. Working in an actual sports bar is a whole lot different then I ever expected. I assumed we would get packed and busy during major sporting events, but I had no idea that it was going to be to such an extreme extent. I had a migraine the whole night and thank God there were people there to help me or I really would have lost it. Phones ringing, people standing in line for take out orders, food in the window.. it was a whole lot to handle. Except for once or twice when it was just too much and I needed a lot of help, I think I handled it well. There were times when I was just ready to scream. It was loud, I couldn't hear the phone. Worked 50 minutes over the time I was supposed to get off, but it's money. And when I signed on for Buffalo Wild Wings, I knew it was a sports bar. I've worked every day since Tuesday and I don't get a day off until Tuesday. Tonight I earned over 10 dollars in tips and I will be severely pissed off if I don't see that money because my manager assumes I'm new and don't know about it. This is exactly what I wanted, to constantly have to be working to make summer move faster and prevent myself from falling into a hole of depression.
It's working somewhat. I'm stressed to the max though with work and home life. I don't see any tension relief in my future either. I want to get back to school and fall back into the routine. Summer has barely begun and I already want to get it over with. I miss the freedom.. I miss it all.
Not to mention, I haven't been able to sleep, at all, since I've been home. Sure, I've slept, I even slept for 13 hours today, but it's not real, deep sleep. And most nights, I'm up till 3 or 4 am and rising by 9. I miss sleep without pets, without siblings, without parents, without phones, without distruptions, without a million things to do, without rules, really, amazing, restful, sleep. Sleep I got before I came home. Not waking up in the middle of the night to discover that home really doesn't feel like home anymore. Not crying myself to sleep every night.
Which, I've done so many times.
I miss Western, I miss my life there.
What I miss the most is the freedom. No curfews, no rules.. I could do whatever I wanted and no one would know or care. I miss my dorm room, it's homey feel, now empty and abandoned. I miss it all and I am counting down the days until I get to go back. Home is constricting. Home is a place I no longer want to be. Because this no longer feels like my home.
I never thought college would change me this much. I never thought I would feel weird sleeping in my own bed or living in my own house. But, I do.. because, my home is at Western.. not here.
I'm not depressed.. I'm not depressed..
PS: I know that it sounds like I hate home. I don't hate home, it's just not where I feel like I belong anymore. I belong on my own. I don't belong here.